Source: Standard-Times (MA) Pubdate: Monday 22 June 1998 Contact: http://www.s-t.com/ Author: Heart to Heart at Box 168, Fort Edward, NY 12828 SHE'S TRAPPED BY DRUG USE -- AND SHE'S THE CLEAN ONE Dear Heart: Help! I am between a rock and a very hard place and I really don't know what to do! It's my fiancE9 vs. me vs. drugs vs. his friends. You see, he used to abuse coke and due to that abuse, he lost/sold everything (including his family and job) to support his habit. We met after several clean years. It was love. This was the man who took care of me, put me first, loved me and made me laugh. Yes! Yes! I do want to marry this man. Well, in the past year, he has hooked up with friends who "dabble" in coke. He says he doesn't do it but one or two times a year. The biggest thing is that I do not want to be in their company when the drug is there. I am scared for my job. If there is a raid, I feel I am guilty until proven innocent (especially if the word got out to the community). I can't and won't lose the career I have finally achieved for his drugging friends. He says the drug use is no big deal. Am I wrong? Do I say: "I'll be with you but refuse to be with your coking friends? Can we create a happy, trusting, married relationship as long as we agree to socially see friends together who are drug-free? Or, do I get out? Do I return the ring and run for my reputation/future before my life is ruined by cocaine? I usually am the one who is organized and offers decent advice. And, now, because I do love this guy and did plan a married future, my brain, I think, is letting my heart rule. Please, please help me. - -- The Drug-Free One Dear Undecided: The way you signed your letter "drug-free" doesn't seem like it applied to you. When drugs are involved everyone is affected by them. You actually appear to be more imprisoned by drug use than your boyfriend, even though he's the one using them. I invite you to read your letter again, pretending it was written by someone other than yourself. Do you see a person who is free? With the information you have provided in your letter, I'll have to refer you to a counselor for the specific answers to your questions. However, I can give you some basic information about situations like yours. People who have abused cocaine (or other drugs) and who have hit as low a bottom as you describe your boyfriend reached, cannot "dabble" in coke. This is a powerful, addictive substance and no one is immune to that power. Especially those of us who have tried everything in our power to control the use of it and have failed. On the other hand, anything is possible. There may be people who can "dabble" with these mind-altering substances and only do them once or twice a year. Let's say your boyfriend gets together with his coking buddies once every other week. That's 26 times a year. Can you imagine his being offered coke 24 times and saying no? OK, let's say he only sees them once a month. That means he's capable of saying no 10 out of 12 times. Can you imagine that happening? For a guy who has already lost everything to support his cocaine habit, that doesn't seem likely to me. The more "at hand" questions for me would be: "What's the difference between spending time with coking friends or marrying a person who uses coke? Do I trust this person today and if not, what needs to happen for me to be able to trust them? Are my realistic fears of legal and social consequences being respected? Am I happy? Am I drug-free (free of drugs) just because I don't consume the drug? Is this drug consuming me and the happy future I have planned and hoped for? Anything's possible. What ending do you think is most likely if you don't take charge and write the story you want to live? - --- Checked-by: (trikydik)