Pubdate: 17 Nov 1998 Source: Chicago Tribune (IL) Section: KidNews Contact: http://www.chicagotribune.com/ Copyright: 1998 Chicago Tribune Company Author: Lou Carlozo Editor's Note: While the issue in this article may not appear relevant to the 'War On Drugs,' I strongly believe in the tonic effect of a good clean piece of levity. Please, read & enjoy! SLAMMIN'! If one-time actor Ronald Reagan could become president, then why not a former wrestler? Now that Jesse "The Body" Ventura has captured Minnesota's highest office, some people think it's not too soon to consider a White House run. Jesse "The Mind," as the governor-elect now likes to be called, could have some serious thinking to do. As president, he would need top-notch professionals in his Cabinet. Here are six wrestlers we'd like to see jump into the ring -the political ring, that is. 1. THE UNDERTAKER Position: DRUG CZAR Qualifications: His bio lists his home as Death Valley. He's 6 feet 10 inches tall. His favorite quote is "Rest in peace." If this guy can't intimidate a drug dealer, who can? Why he's needed: Too many drug addicts need a real-life undertaker. 2. DENNIS "RODZILLA" RODMAN Position: SECRETARY OF LABOR Qualifications: This sometime wrestler has told his fellow NBA players they should try ordinary jobs before griping about salaries. Why he's needed: To help spread some bucks to other workers. NBA players have balked at an offer to make the average salary more than $3 million; meanwhile, Chicago firefighters average $51,000 and elementary teachers $39,000. 3. ANDRE THE GIANT Position: CHIEF OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY Qualifications: Sure, Andre died in '93, but the sight of his 7-foot-4-inch corpse might scare people into saving the environment. Why he's needed: Who better than a dead man to symbolize the plight of the world's rain forests? Scientists estimate that 4. ROCKY "THE ROCK" MAIVIA Position: SECRETARY OF EDUCATION Qualifications: The Rock is brawns and brain, an All-American football star who graduated from the University of Miami. Why he's needed: To strong-arm Congress. In the last session, lawmakers had to be begged to approve funds for hiring 100,000 new teachers. 5. CHYNA Position: SECRETARY OF DEFENSE Qualifications: Anyone who wears body armor and an ammo clip knows how to defend herself. Why she's needed: To show the military how to cut waste. In the post-Cold War era, U.S. armed forces currently spend $250 billion a year, including $2 billion on each B-2 bomber. 6. HULK HOGAN Position: DIRECTOR OF CHILD WELFARE Qualifications: Hogan has always had a soft spot for kids and works with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Why he's needed: 100,000 U.S. foster kids (1,300 of them in Illinois) await adoption. - --- Checked-by: Rich O'Grady