Pubdate: Thu, 11 Feb 2016
Source: Portland Mercury (OR)
Column: Cannabuzz: The Week in Cannabis
Copyright: 2016 The Portland Mercury
Author: Josh Jardine


IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY, which can be difficult for single people. (Who 
are only alone because something is wrong with them. WHAT? I'm right. 
You know I'm right. Think of all your single friends, and name two 
who aren't that way because of a deep, twisted, untreatable inner flaw. Yikes.)

But even for those of us who are happily coupled-and don't hate-there 
are expectations forced upon us that this has to be the most 
romantic, multi-orgasmic holiday of the year, right after Arbor Day 
or when a new dispensary opens down the block.

That pressure is a huge stressor. But we all know one of the greatest 
tools for dealing with stress, right? Right? (Answer: It's cannabis. 
Weed. C'mon, people, look alive here.)

There are some great cannabis products to make your Kama Sutra 
workouts all the sexier. So many products that I was a bit 
overwhelmed this week. Maybe we can get into those at some point in the future.

For now, let's examine some not-so-great cannabis-infused sex games 
and ideas for incorporating everyone's favorite plant into your love 
life. For many of you, bringing Mary Jane into your bedroom is as 
close to a threeway as you are ever going to get. And it can go 
horribly awry, as I'll show you.

(1) Let's start with something mildly PG-13, because my mom reads 
this column. You like massages, right? And you've probably heard of 
marijuana massages, in which a licensed massage therapist uses a 
cannabis-infused massage oil while performing bodywork. Sure, that 
sounds nice, but let's dial it up a notch. Have you ever had an iced 
bongwater massage? I really hope you haven't. Start with a tall bong 
filled with ice water. No, taller than that. Think the five-foot 
duct-taped Graffix you had during those seven years of college. 
Quickly smoke a quarter ounce with it, and then pour the contents of 
the bong onto your partner's back. Once the screaming subsides (sexy 
screaming, I might add), rub the icy, disgusting water into their 
skin for an exfoliation that just won't quit, even when they beg for 
it to stop. Just like drinking bongwater gets you high, rubbing it on 
your skin does the same thing. I think. Probably. Plus, it fills the 
room with a sexy musk. Call it Fifty Shades of Graywater.

(2) Sometimes couples who've been with each other for a long time get 
bored. One solution is to spice it up with roleplay, creating new 
personas for the bedroom. So why not try cannabis-themed roleplay? 
Maybe you play a dispensary owner and your partner is the stern 
Oregon Liquor Control Commission inspector, upon whose favor your 
license rests. What would you do to get that license? What about an 
unconditional license? Huh? I bet it involves high fees and bending 
over. Or maybe a retro Prohibition-era game, where one of you is a 
hapless thrill seeker and the other is a shady black-market weed 
dealer. That sack of buds isn't the only thing that's immature and wet!

(3) Dab Jobs-Take a walk on the wild side when you combine two fun 
things to put in your mouth. The blowjob reaches a new level of 
excitement when you mix it with a dab rig and a blowtorch! The giver 
can balance the rig on the top of the receiver's thighs. Grab the 
torch and crank up the flame. Get the nail cherry red, and set up a 
lima-bean-sized dab for the giver. As soon as they finish the hit, 
they start in with the blowjob, while the other person sets up 
another dab. Just be careful, because in case it has escaped your 
attention, you have just heated up a titanium nail to red-hot levels 
and precariously balanced it on top of your upper thighs, mere inches 
from your sexual organs. Ever had a skin graft on your gonads? Is 
that a scar you want to explain to future lovers?

The Mercury's lawyers are nervously checking on liability issues. So 
don't say I didn't warn you. And have a great Valentine's Day, everybody!
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MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom