Pubdate: Wed, 28 Oct 2015
Source: Seattle Weekly (WA)
Column: Higher Ground
Copyright: 2015 Village Voice Media
Author: Michael A. Stusser


Tips and pointers for your Halloweed.

Time once again to answer Stoner Mail! Given the season, I'm going 
with a Halloween theme.

I'm worried about some idiot putting weed-laced candy in my kid's 
stash-bag on Halloween. I know a lot of the urban legends about razor 
blades in apples were bunk, but this genuinely scares me. Should it? 
- -Bryan, Bothell

There are plenty of things for parents to worry about, but having 
your child get his or her grubby hands on marijuana-laced candy 
should be low on your priority list. While I do despise cannabis 
edibles that look like kids' candy (there's no reason for ganja gummy 
bears or Reefer's Peanut Butter Cups), we've now had three years of 
trick-or-treating in legal weed states-and not one incident involving 
THC-laden candy disguised as store-bought. There are, of course, 
plenty of items that can kill yer kid, but pot's not one: Aspirin 
killed 7,500 Americans last year, peanuts another 100. Hell, since 
2010, poison-control-center hotlines have seen a 400 percent increase 
in calls in which whippersnappers got drunk on hand sanitizer! 
Selfies killed four people this year, vending machines another three! 
And those colorful laundry-detergent pods that actually look like 
candy have poisoned 17,200 children under the age of 6 in the past 
year-so I'd definitely check the Halloween bag for those suckers!

Speaking of suckers: Every Jolly Rancher, every Almond Joy, and every 
kernel of that disgusting caramel corn that your kids chow down is 
made from sugar-which not only increases cavities and weight gain, 
but is proven to raise blood pressure as well as increase the chances 
for cardiovascular mortality-which means death. Spooooky!

Finally, even if some idiot does spend a ton of money and hand out 
weed-laced lollipops, brownies, or gummy bears, let's remember this: 
No one ever has died from marijuana. Not. One. Person. Happy 
Halloween. Enjoy it.

Very few kids ever come down our dark, scary alley to trick or treat 
on Halloween, so there's always a massive amount of leftover candy. 
My girlfriend and me use the leftover stash for when we get the 
munchies the rest of the year. So the question is, what do we buy? 
- -Soon-to-Be-Gorging George, Georgetown

You do know you don't have to eat all the leftover candy, right? HA! 
Just kidding! Of course you do! It's an American tradition. Though my 
personal favorites are Twizzlers, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and 
Twix bars, your smartest move might be something healthier. And no, 
I'm not talking about giving out kale chips; this isn't Russia. They 
make mini-packs of tasty and healthy stuff like Pirate's Booty, 
gluten-free kettle corn, string cheese, Goldfish crackers, even bags 
of Halloween-themed carrots (renamed Scarrots for the season!). You 
could also skip the sugar-laden bombs all together and hand out 
spooky stickers, glow sticks, spider rings, terrifying temporary 
tattoos, or skeleton-shaped Post-It notes. I'd go with the Twizzlers. 
God. I love Twizzlers . . . If you really want to be PC, participate 
in the Halloween Candy Buyback, an organization that buys excess 
candy from kids and ships it to our troops overseas (along with toothbrushes).

My 9-year-old daughter wants to be a giant marijuana leaf for 
Halloween. It's legal now. What do you think? -Mary, Maple Leaf

I think you should think about whether you'd want your kid dressing 
up as a vodka bottle, Lotto ticket, RedBull can, AK-47, Viagra pill, 
or pack of Winston Lights. While marijuana is safer than all those, 
the point is that none are for kids; in addition, a child of 9 may 
not understand the larger implications of dressing like a plant that 
can get you stoned out of your mind and is not great for the 
developing brain. Same with Cheech & Chong costumes, bigger-than-life 
bongs, or giant overinflated bags of weed. No, no, and no.

You could have your girl dress up as Charlotte Figi, age 9, whose 
epileptic seizures were greatly reduced through the use of a high-CBD 
and low-THC cannabis extract (and who now has a famous strain, 
Charlotte's Web, named after her), which led to new medical-marijuana 
laws across the land. But a better idea is to have a conversation 
with your daughter about how, while the marijuana plant is extremely 
beautiful (as are the opium poppy, coca, and agave plants), cannabis 
is for grown-ups. Then make her into a sunflower, a rose, or, if 
she's still feeling badass, poison ivy, a black dahlia, or a Venus 
flytrap. Everyone loves those-and you won't get her tossed out of 
school in case she wants to wear it to class.
- ---
MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom