Pubdate: Tue, 25 Feb 2014 Source: Hamilton Spectator (CN ON) Copyright: 2014 The Hamilton Spectator Contact: http://www.thespec.com/ Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/181 Author: Prudence DRUNK WIFE WILL, SOBER WIFE WON'T Dear Prudence: My wife and I have been happily married for more than a decade. We saw a therapist together for a couple of years; my wife wasn't interested in sex, and I was. We got much better at it. You once advised a woman to schedule a weekly sex date with her husband and hoped both of them came to look forward to it. We did that, and it's been working well. Except my wife prefers to be drunk to do the deed. She barely drinks at all otherwise. But to get frisky she likes two or three glasses of wine because, she says, it shuts up her self-consciousness and resistance and the other things that get in the way. My drunk wife is great in bed. My sober wife doesn't want to be touched. I enjoy sex with my intoxicated wife, but I don't love that she needs to be several sheets to the wind to get in between the sheets. Maybe more sex therapy could help, but who has time for appointments with three young kids and jobs? And maybe it's fine as is? A: Those are some loaded questions: Is it a problem that your wife has to get intoxicated to enjoy sex with you, or should you be delighted she's willing to get intoxicated to have sex with you? From your account, your wife was never that interested in sex, and so you are one of those couples who decided to pair up despite your mismatched libidos. I have suggested scheduling sex, which doesn't sound sexy, but having sex turns out to be more sexy than not having it. In most of these cases, though, the partners have established that they enjoy each other in bed - they're just not getting there often enough. I think you need to get to the primary source of your wife's resistance. Is it more that she lies there thinking: "I've got to make appointments for the kids' vaccinations tomorrow. Are we out of bread? Olivia has a recital Thursday afternoon, so I have to arrange to leave work early ..."? That is, her domestic life has subsumed her erotic life, and instead of sex being a rel! ease, it just feels like another obligation. Or is she saying to herself, "I hate when he touches my nipples. I hate when he kisses my neck. I hate when he wants me to stroke his ..." This inquiry into your wife's feelings needs to be sensitive, even oblique. So I suggest you start by reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel and The Return of Desire by Gina Ogden. See if these books offer insights or case histories that speak to your situation. If you find these, you can ask your wife to look at some passages. Or you can just act on what you've read, taking a page from other semi moribund couples who have been jolted into bed. I'm going to make a suggestion that I can't even believe I'm advocating. Consider taking a trip together to Colorado or Washington state. For one thing, when the children are far away with their grandparents or a trusted babysitter, your wife won't be distracted about the need to make their lunches. For another, you two can explore the new world of legal marijuana. To get aroused your wife has to shut off the competing voices in her head. So join with her and share a joint. I hope it gets you two laughing your heads off and tearing your clothes off. I don't think becoming potheads is a permanent solution, but casting aside your routines and responsibilities might be a way to create some new sparks. Send questions to Prudence at --- MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom