Pubdate: Mon, 17 Feb 2014
Source: Pueblo Chieftain (CO)
Copyright: 2014 The Pueblo Chieftain
Contact:  http://www.chieftain.com/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/1613
Author: Chris Woodka

MONDAY MORNING SPECIAL: DANGERS OF NEIGHBORHOOD TOKING EXPOSED

Ralph, let's call him Ralph, was standing before the judge. He was a
little concerned about his future and ruing the actions of his past.

Looking into the annals of his life to this point, he acknowledged that 
he had not always been a model citizen.

But did he deserve this?

Next case: The state v. Ralph.

"Young man, you stand accused of smoking marijuana on your front porch 
in violation of the Laws What Be. How do you plead?"

"Well, I did it I guess, but there were extenuating circumstances."

"Care to explain?"

"If I may, your honor, I'd like to enter Exhibit A."

"And, what are we looking at here?"

"My tweets from the night of the incident."

"Roll the tweets."

(Been a bad day. Lots of stress at work. Drove out to a marijuana store 
and scored a couple of joints' worth of weed. Carefully tucked it under 
the maps in the glove box. Started driving home.)

(Chased away a couple of punks trying to steal my car at the convenience 
store where I stopped to buy matches. Had to fill out some sort of 
paperwork to buy matches, apparently some response to new terrorist 
threat. What gives?)

(Driving home, I dodged the following: five cars that just blew by stop 
signs, four cars running red lights, three speeding cars that zipped 
past me as I tried to observe the speed limit, two cars that cut in 
front of me as their drivers talked on cellphones and a milk shake 
tossed from a car that splattered on my windshield.)

"You tweeted all this while driving?"

"I'm gifted that way. I was .?.?. was just trying to preserve the moment."

"I see. Do you have a long history of smoking marijuana?"

"No, your honor. I thought I would try it this one time."

"What made you do this?"

"Well, I'd read in the newspaper that the president thought it was safer 
than alcohol. Usually, I have a beer to unwind when I get home. But, I'm 
always open to new experiences."

"So you lit a joint on your front porch?"

"Well, at first I was going to smoke it inside. But then, for some 
reason, I recalled there was a city ordinance against smoking inside, so 
I took it to the front porch."

"You realize that the city ordinance only applies to tobacco in public 
spaces?"

"Well, now I do. It's kind of a duh moment for me."

"So you began smoking a joint on your front porch?"

"Absolutely. And it helped me out a lot. Like I said in the tweets, it 
had been a really tough day."

"Then what happened?"

"Well, my neighbor came out and started screaming at me. I couldn't 
understand why. I had sat on this same porch drinking beer with him and 
smoking cigarettes many times."

"What exactly did your neighbor say?"

"Well, I won't repeat all the profanity. But he was yelling that I was 
being a complete, you know, and how the, you know, did I think little 
kids would react to seeing a grown man, you know, smoking a, you know, 
joint for all the, you know, world to see? You know, damn it! Get off 
the, you know, grass!"

"What did you say?"

"Well, nothing. I had just inhaled, and I did not want to lose the rush. 
Plus, I felt kind of sorry for his kids, who were standing just a few 
feet behind him listening to this rubbish. I was sort of scared he would 
hit me or something, and I really didn't want his kids to see him get 
beat up. So, I stayed cool."

"I see. So, why did things escalate?"

"He said, `I'm going to call the, you know, cops and you're going to be, 
you know, busted!" I just exhaled and took another toke, because it felt 
pretty good right about then. As I was holding my breath, I really could 
not complain."

"So he called the cops?"

"I guess. I kind of zoned out for the next half hour or so. The clouds 
up in the sky were pretty amazing right about then. But then, six squad 
cars or so pulled up and - I can't be sure - I think three or four guys 
had their guns drawn."

"Did you resist?"

"Well, I was in a mood. I asked them, `Where were you guys when those 
cars were running stop signs, speeding past me and dumping crap on my 
car? Where were you when the punks tried to steal my car?' I don't think 
it went over so well."

"Why is that?"

"Probably because I was face-down on the doormat at the time."

"Have you learned a lesson from all this, Ralph?"

"Why, yes. I will smoke the other joint in the backyard. Much calmer there."

"Very well. I will reduce your sentence to 60 hours of community 
service. You will avail yourself to our local schools to explain the 
dangers of smoking marijuana on your front porch."

"Thank you, your honor. Sorry for messing up."
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MAP posted-by: Matt