Pubdate: Thu, 05 Sep 2013
Source: Tucson Weekly (AZ)
Copyright: 2013 Tucson Weekly
Contact:  http://www.tucsonweekly.com/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/462
Author: J.M. Smith

HERE COME THE FUN POLICE

Probably the Only Article You'll Read This Week That Uses Car Sex As 
Part of an Extended Metaphor

I was minding my own business one night last week, fucking a girl in 
a parked car, when a Tucson police cruiser rolled up directly across 
the street. The officer didn't get out.

Instead, he just hovered over there in his car, generally being 
noticed and silently threatening to ruin a perfectly enjoyable and 
wildly intense good time that was happening between two consenting 
adults in the privacy of their own back seat. After a few minutes, he 
drove away, so the, um, festivities continued. Then a few minutes 
later, he came back. This time he flashed his spotlight from across 
the street in a clear, Get-The-Fuck-Out-Of-Here fit of heartless interference.

We left, one of us with her shirt on inside-out, which may or may not 
have been noticed on a subsequent brief trip to Hotel Congress. I 
filed the incident away in the That Just Happened file.

A few days later, Eric Holder drove his federal law enforcement 
vehicle away from the curb across the street from America's cannabis 
users, effectively saying he doesn't really care if they fuck each 
others brains out in the privacy of their own back seats, as long as 
they don't fuck any children or serve as a front for major sex 
cartels. The federal squad car will no longer flash its spotlight on 
dispensary operators-even if they try to make money.

I am a huge fan of this new cannabis fuckfest.

Cops however, are not. Before the stains had dried on the back seats 
of America's cannabis dispensaries, local law enforcement officers 
collectively threw a fit. The leaders of seven associations signed a 
letter whining about the change, which incidentally could make their 
jobs a lot easier, should their states choose to end cannabis prohibition.

"It is unacceptable that the Department of Justice did not consult 
our organizations-whose members will be directly impacted-for 
meaningful input ahead of this important decision," they said.

I'm not really sure how these local sheriff's deputies and police 
will be impacted, other than potentially losing a shit-ton of federal 
money associated with cannabis prohibition. Isn't this what cops 
want? Less crime? Holder's announcement effectively eliminates an 
entire category of crime, one that cops will no longer have to worry 
about. It likely pulls the plug on dozens of investigations under way 
across the nation, freeing up hundreds of law enforcement officers 
and uncounted numbers of man-hours to be used for something that matters.

But I'm skeptical.

I hope Eric Holder and the rest of the federal cock blockers will 
stay gone, now that they've driven away. The Obama administration has 
driven away before, claiming legit cannabis dispensaries operating 
within state law would be left alone. Then they drove around the 
block, came back and flashed their spotlight in the car numerous 
times-in Washington, Michigan, Colorado and other states. Hundreds of 
cannabis copulators in numerous states yanked on their pants and 
skirts and went home.

My problem with all of this is that I've figuratively fucked a lot of 
girls in parked cars. I've had the spotlight flashed at me more than 
a few times, and the cops always seem to come back. Cops enjoy 
splashing water on fucking couples, and they always seem to find a 
way to do it. So I hope they can back off and just let people go at 
it the way God and Eric Holder intended. I hope they leave us alone 
and just look the other way if they see us making out in the back seat.

All we're trying to do is get some.
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MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom