Pubdate: Sun, 02 Jun 2013
Source: Neepawa Press, The (CN MB)
Copyright: 2013 Glacier Community Media
Author: Kaiten Critchlow


Maybe marijuana isn't all that bad. A story titled "Marijuana waste 
helps turn pot-eating pigs into tasty pork roast" caught the 
attention last Tuesday, as it described how a five-acre farm north of 
Seattle has discovered how using weed waste into pig food could 
potentially revolutionize the hog industry and increase per pig profits.

The article went on to point out pigs who were supplemented with the 
"herbal remedy" ended up 20 to 30 pounds heavier than other pigs in 
the same litter, in turn creating more revenue for its owners.

Just as with the perceived positive impact of pot-smoking in the pork 
processing industry, if other countries and industries got on board 
with a law allowing grass-smoking, perhaps the pot puffing people 
would potentially create other particular positives for the general 
population (I hope you enjoyed the alliteration): - First off, there 
would be no one happier than the Cheetos' cheetah.

After all these years of (attempting to) keeping his recreational 
activities hidden, Chester the Cheetah will finally be able to 
achieve his lifelong dream of being pictured on a chips bag holding a 
finely-wrapped toque rather than a cheesy snack.

And, just like modern-day athletes 'coming out of the closet' 
motivates their peers to do the same, Chester 'emerging from the 
smoke' may motivate cartoon-mates to follow.

It would explain why the Pillsbury Dough Boy continues to laugh every 
time a finger is wedged in to his belly (when any normal being would 
have likely snapped like Tiger Woods' ex by now). Toucan Sam's 
exploits and continuous flight attempts resulting in him soaring 
straight in to a tree would suddenly make sense (don't puff and 
pilot). After various featured Wheaties' box athletes have tested 
positive for some kind of drug or steroid, it would only seem fitting 
the wheatie character followed suit (perhaps there's more to being a 
champion than simply one's breakfast). And Tony, c'mon, those Frosted 
Flakes are good, but ar! e they really that Grrrrrrrrreat!? (guess it 
depends on who yo! ur dealer is). - Any business stalking food could 
forget about the 'poor economy'. Grocery stores could expect evening 
hordes of half-hazed, red-eyed residents slowly filing into their 
store with zombie-like precision and intelligence with only three 
thoughts on the mind: cookies, chips and pizzas.

There would be an unequivocal growth in restaurant delivery sales, as 
well as requests for take-out menus (a few puffs and things 
apparently start disappearing, too). On the negative, there would be 
a sudden inflation in wage expectancy for restaurant telephone 
operator controllers as they'd have to decipher through calls that 
included periods of silence, giggling, and orders that comprised not 
of the actual name of the food wanted but rather orders by 
description such as, "I'll take this one" (as the caller points to 
the menu in their home, temporarily oblivious to the fact the person 
they are calling can't see what they're looking at), or "I had it the 
last was that g! ood one", or "Anything with lots of cheese 
on it" followed by a followup phone call request of, "Can I get extra 
cheese on that". On the positive, restaurant owners will no longer 
have issue with wrong orders; customers will either a) call back 
giggling hysterically at the humorous prank pulled on them or b) take 
the wrong order as a philosophical epiphany ("I really did want 
lasagna instead of ribs. How did they know?"). Delivery boys would 
also see a huge spike in tips (although they would likely come in the 
form of hugs and compliments about how nice their uniform is). -The 
NHL could see a huge spike in revenue.

The "Crime Commissioner" Brendan Shanahan would see his job become 
irrelevant as dirty hits would become self-eliminated by 
now-perenially-positive players, and fights would reach an all-time 
low (with the only altercations being spurred on by a debate of which 
Bob Marley song is the all-time greatest). Scoring would return to 
its golden years like in the pre-90'! s as either a) goaltenders 
become complacent midway through the game wh! ile internally debating 
why they should stop the puck while no one else on their team is or 
b) the keepers become distracted by the nacho tray sitting on the lap 
of a fan in the first row. Meanwhile, all special teams play would be 
eliminated as the men in stripes would allow players 30 seconds to 
talk and hug it out rather than make anyone sit on their own in the 
penalty box. -While making late-night arrests, lawmakers would no 
longer have to argue with citizens or worry about anyone resisting cuffs.

Training for officers will also change, as they would no longer be 
taught how to tackle, restrain or pursue culprits.

That training time would instead be used to ensure all recruits earn 
a minor in philosophy to instead cause criminals to fall in to 
submission through confusion or mental distraction. Meanwhile, the 
COPS television show would face an all-time viewership drop as 
available footage of chases and violence plummets (although show 
producers would likely bring the show back to relevance after 
revamping its storyline to resemble that of a 'Beavis and Butthead' 
script and renaming it "The Great Cornholio!"). Well that was fun! 
I'm sure this could continue on, but we're out of space, so be sure 
to keep a smile on your face for the week and I'll be sure to keep a 
soberly-induced smirk on mine as well.
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MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom