Pubdate: Wed, 12 Dec 2012
Source: Trentonian, The (NJ)
Copyright: 2012 The Trentonian
Contact:  http://www.trentonian.com
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/1006
Author: Jeff Edelstein
Page: A2

TEST YOUR KIDS FOR MARIJUANA FOR ONLY A BUCK

So I'm in the local dollar store the other day when I stumble upon a
$1 marijuana test kit. Allow me to repeat this: A $1 marijuana test
kit.

I am glad such items as a "$1 marijuana test kit" did not exist during
my teenage years. (And 20-something years, but whatever.) Because if a
"$1 marijuana test kit" did exist back in 1989, I would've been
totally busted.

In short, I would not have been able to come in the house, glassy-eyed
and Doritos-starved, and be able to say "I was studying at Chris's
house" and have my parents pretend to believe me. They would've
instead said, "Piss here. Now."

In the meantime, this marijuana test kit I found promises to be "98
percent accurate."

That's right. Not 100 percent. Not 99 percent. But 98
percent.

Which, you ask me, leaves a lot of wiggle room for today's batch of
pot smokers. Ganja inhalers. Weed demons.

FATHER: Son, this test here says you just smoked enough marijuana
cigarettes to anesthetize Sniff Doggy Doo.

VERY STONED SON: It's Snoop Dogg, man. But actually he's like Snoop
Lion now, man. Raaaaaasta mon, rasta rasta rasta.

FATHER: You need to shut up son. You're stoned right now, and I've got
the test to prove it.

VERY STONED SON: Nuh uh. I'm the two percent, man. Test is totally not
cool. Only 98 percent accurate, man. You know if mom bought any Doritos?

(Side note: Doritos were launched nationally in 1966. Summer of Love
happens in 1967. Coincidence, happy accident, CIA plot? Jury's out.)

Anyway, the test: What a joke. If you're a parent and think your kid
is high, guess what? They're very, very high. And if you're not sure
and think the test will help you become a better parent? Yeah, not so
much. For real: If I were a teen and my parents told me to take a drug
test, I'd probably spend the rest of my life not talking to them.

Besides, this will all be a moot point sooner rather than later, as
possession of marijuana will be legal in all 50 states by 2024 at the
latest. That's my prediction. Already happening out west in Colorado
and Washington, where voters have legalized the drug, and it's only a
matter of time before the rest of the country follows suit. Why?
Because most Americans 60 and under don't see marijuana as a major
issue facing our country, according to a Gallup poll. Combine that
with Generation X beginning to take over political positions in
America, and you've got a recipe to legalize this "drug" once and for
all.

Stop me if you've heard me say this before but ... this all means some
800,000 otherwise lawabiding Americans won't go to jail each year for
marijuana possession, which means federal, state and local law
enforcement could stop wasting time and tax dollars fighting this
non-issue, which means maybe we could stop demonizing a substance that
is safer than alcohol and tobacco by nearly every measure but doesn't
line up particularly well with the interests of big business.

Yeah. I think marijuana should be legalized. No question about
it.

Now I'm not sitting here and saying I want my kids following in my
sticky bud footsteps, but at least if they did and it was legal, I
wouldn't have to worry about them getting arrested for it. Or being
tested for it by some overzealous school administrator.

A dollar-store marijuana test. It's like a dystopian science fiction
novel.
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MAP posted-by: Matt