Pubdate: Fri, 26 Oct 2012
Source: Daily Nexus (UC Santa Barbara, CA Edu)
Copyright: 2012 Daily Nexus
Author: Michael Roe


With the approaching Presidential election in two weeks, I decided to 
devote this issue to the Presidential candidates and their assorted 
approaches on drug policy. After three debates between President 
Obama and Mitt Romney (in addition to three devastating debate 
drinking games), we've seen heated discourse on nearly every 
political subject but drug control policy. Also, for those who don't 
know that there are more than two choices for President, I included 
Gary Johnson and Jill Stein in today's drug discussion. To save you, 
my precious reader, time and effort I will now sarcastically outline 
each of the candidate's positions on drug use, control and spending:

Mitt Romney (Republican Party):

Like any other issue on the political spectrum, Romney has 
successfully avoided taking a clear stance on drug policy. So, 
without any clear facts on his policy, I'm simply going to make some 
shit up! We do know from his record as the Governor of Massachusetts, 
however, that Romney boldly said "no" to the idea of ever legalizing 
marijuana. Instead, he suggested offering synthetic substitutes for 
cancer patients ...since giving terminally ill cancer patients 
synthetic substitutes like "K2 Spice" sounds like a great idea. 
Romney has alluded that he would not decrease the amount of money 
spent on drug enforcement and incarceration. Similarly, in 
Massachusetts, he opposed efforts to enact harm reduction programs, 
like providing sterilized needles to heroin addicts. Lastly, based 
off his Mormon faith, if Romney is elected, all alcoholic and 
caffeinated beverages will officially be banned from White House premises.

For more information on why you should vote for Romney, send a 
telegram to your grandparents, visit or talk to the one 
college student planning to vote for Romney.

Gary Johnson (Libertarian Party):

Representing the Libertarian Party, Johnson gives "exactly zero 
fucks" about which drugs you consume in the confines of your private 
home, unless there's a search warrant. In reality, Johnson has 
strongly advocated ending the War on Drugs, comparing it to the 
Prohibition of alcohol. Unlike Obama and Romney, he wishes to 
decriminalize marijuana, and allow states to choose whether they wish 
to make weed legal. This would allow for states like Colorado, Oregon 
and Washington to legalize marijuana on the state ballot without 
officially violating federal law. Johnson promotes allowing health 
experts deal with hard drug abuse rather than clogging prisons and 
the judicial systems with drug addicts. On the same note, Johnson 
supports harm reduction programs, as opposed to drug enforcement and 
incarceration policies.

For more information on Johnson's platform, visit:

Barack Obama (Democratic Party):

Barry Smoke-O's boasts a pretty moderate position on drug policy for 
someone who has pictures circulating in cyberspace of his college-age 
self smoking weed. Instead of viewing drug addiction as Mormon - I 
mean - moral failure, Obama's platform suggests addiction is a 
problem of the brain. In terms of federal spending, in 2012, the 
Office of Drug Control spent approximately $10.1 billion towards 
prevention and treatment and $9.4 billion on enforcement and 
incarceration. Additionally, Obama has mentioned that pursuing 
medical marijuana dispensaries is not on his political agenda, and he 
has likewise discouraged the Department of Justice to pursue 
dispensaries. That said, in April of this year, DEA agents raided a 
number of medical dispensaries in Oakland, including the notorious 
"Weed College," known as Oaksterdam University.

For more information on why you should vote for Obama, visit:, social media aggregates like, or your college roommate.

Jill Stein (Green, Pot-Smoking Party's Party):

This one is a no brainer; Stein, the representative of the Green 
Party, runs on a bold platform which dictates that every citizen is 
required to smoke three bowls upon her election to the Presidency. 
Additionally, once the smoke clears the White House will be 
refurbished with a fresh coating of tie dye paint, and its garden 
will be transformed into an outdoor grow-op to the offset the growing 
national debt. Okay, that was a lie, but Stein's position is 
definitely the most weed-friendly of all the candidates. Being the 
radical hippy she is, Stein wishes to eliminate the War on Drugs, and 
instead divert drug control spending into public health funds devoted 
to treating drug abuse. In addition, she wishes to immediately 
legalize medical marijuana and permit legal medical Mary Jane sales 
under suitable regulatory framework. Or, in other words, upon her 
election approximately half of all domestic Starbucks locations will 
be transformed into medical marijuana dispensaries.

For more information on Stein's platform, visit:

Michael Roe plans to roll his voter guide into a fat blunt after he 
casts his ballot like a responsible American citizen.
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MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom