Pubdate: Sun, 28 Nov 2010
Source: Times-Standard (Eureka, CA)
Column: As It Stands
Copyright: 2010 Times-Standard
Author: Dave Stancliff
Note: Dave Stancliff is a columnist for the Times-Standard. He is a
former newspaper editor and publisher.


Thank you, Janet Napolitano.

I feel so much safer now that the Bureau Of Land Management's 
Critical Infrastructure Crisis Response Exercise Program is over. 
That recent realistic scenario of crazed pot terrorists taking over 
the Shasta Dam to demonstrate how efficiently federal agencies can 
respond to this very real possibility deserves every American's praise.

Bravo! I want to congratulate everyone involved for recognizing that 
pot terrorists are an immediate threat to America's national 
security. As we all know, pot terrorists are the No. 1 threat to this 
nation, thus the reason for The War on Drugs. Forget about al-Qaida. 
We need to address real-world things like pot terrorists boarding 
planes with hidden doobies or glass pipes.

It's common knowledge that people high on pot can be violent and 
dangerous. Homeland Security officials warn that even medical 
marijuana can cause problems. Patients freak out and run through the 
streets naked if they don't get their pot fix. Janet Napolitano 
rightly recognized the seriousness of the growing number of pot 
terrorists, mostly in California. The Feds have turned up the heat 
and are offering rewards to children. If they turn in their 
pot-smoking parents they'll get a set of DEA playing cards.

I say it's about time the word gets out about these pot terrorists in 
our country. We've ignored them for too long. I can't tell you how 
much better I'll sleep, knowing the authorities are on the ball. It's 
comforting to see how much work went into the Crisis Response 
Exercise Program. Just think, for 18 months, at the cost of $500,000, 
these dedicated people prepared for the very real possibility that 
stoned pot farmers would try to take over the nation's dams.

According to the Record Searchlight newspaper in Redding the exercise 
started with ...

"... two mock bomb blasts followed by the 'Red Cell' terrorist group 
taking over the dam in an effort to free one of their fellow 
marijuana growers from prison. Holding three people hostage, they 
threatened to flood the Sacramento River by rolling open the drum 
gates atop the dam. Those gates hold back the nearly full lake."

Talk about good intelligence. Over 20 federal agencies were involved. 
I suspected marijuana growers were all subversive. Bombs, not bongs! 
I'm sure the Shasta Dam will be ready if those dirty hippies try 
anything now. They don't call it "killer weed" for no reason.

But why stop there? How about more raids on other states that have 
medical marijuana laws? I have to hand it to our country's drug czar, 
Gil Kerlikowske, who intimidated California voters considering voting 
Yes on Proposition 19. That last-minute October surprise before the 
mid-term elections was a doozy. You let those stupid voters who 
wanted to legalize weed know that the Feds wouldn't recognize the 
passage of Proposition 19 and would keep busting those determined 
citizens who wanted to partake.

Good patriotic Americans know that current misguided marijuana laws 
that allow people to puff on the demon weed legally need to be 
repealed. By showing the public just what pot terrorists are capable 
of in this recent exercise, our government has highlighted a growing 
concern. DEA authorities report an increase in physical violence 
involving pot farmers and smokers attacking innocent non-smokers.

Responsible citizens nationwide need to be on the alert for pot 
terrorists in their neighborhoods. The Feds suggest profiling works 
well when trying to spot a pot terrorist. They often have long 
scraggly hair, sometimes dreadlocks, and never take a bath so you can 
smell them a mile away. Their eyes are usually glazed, and if you 
watch them long enough you'll catch them drooling. They also wear 
stupid symbols like peace signs on their hemp clothing and use hemp 
moisturizers on their skin. Oh, yeah! They wear Birkenstock sandals, 
and the men have unkempt beards down to their knees. I hope that helps.

How can I, and a grateful nation, thank you enough, oh beloved 
Secretary of Homeland Security? This country has enough challenges 
without fear of pot terrorists attacking our nation's infrastructure. 
This reminder to remain alert at all times for pot farmers plotting 
to overthrow the government will make us all feel safer. It's this 
kind of activity that makes me proud to be an American.

As It Stands, forgive my sarcasm, but sometimes I have the feeling 
our government marches to a different tune than the rest of us.
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MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom