Pubdate: Thu, 09 Jul 2009 Source: Globe and Mail (Canada) Copyright: 2009 The Globe and Mail Company Contact: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/ Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/168 Author: David Eddie, Author, Screenwriter I'M DATING A POTHEAD I Don't Want To Cut Him Out Of My Life Over This. Can I Make It Work? The question I am a successful fiftysomething woman, in love with a fellow who tokes high-powered cannabis morning, noon and night. He's always high and suffers from memory loss and emotional irregularity. He withdraws for days at a time if I so much as look at him in a way that suggests he has a deficiency (his word not mine). Otherwise he's perfect The sex is wonderful. And he's attractive as heck. Also, we have fun together, going on bike rides and such. But the relationship is not moving forward, in fact it's like he functions in a reset button mode. I think the cannabis has affected his emotional development. He's been doing it for many years. I have sought help and have lots of information for him about assessments and treatment. When I presented all this, he stormed off and disappeared. It's been five weeks. I don't want to cut him out of my life just for the sake of my values. Is there a way to have both? The answer It's hard to know how to deal with a pothead. Because, at least from what I've heard (cough, cough, columnist's eyes dart around fishily), the whole point of smoking pot is to disengage from, and tune out, everything and everyone around you. Apparently, when you "get high," you float around on a fragrant, nirvanalicious cloud of "mellow vibes," soaring above about the "hassles" of everyday existence. Potheads don't like to deal with things, they don't like friction and confrontation: that's why they get high in the first place But now you're "harshing his mellow" with your demands that he engage with you and meet your needs. Which probably has him groping for his stash more desperately than ever. He may need to smoke a whole baggie of hydroponic to get high enough to ignore the querulous beefs of someone as close to him as you. Don't get me wrong. Pot, like alcohol, like anything, is great in moderation, and everyone has the right to relax. But frankly, I wouldn't get involved with a morning-noon-night type pot-smoker at all. At some point, on some level, these "wake and bake" types have pretty much decided to check out. Research on marijuana addiction is inconclusive, but you can bet that anything that comes between a smoker and his "chronic" has to go. And that includes human beings, even those who love the round-the-clock stoner - which is terribly sad. The best things in life, in my view, are a) the feeling you get when, after a bunch of hard work, you accomplish something you're proud of; b) loving and being loved, taking care of and being taken care of, by other human beings. Getting high, they tell me, mimics these feelings, except without all the drag of hard work and the hassle of getting involved with human beings and their problems and needs. I'm not saying give up on this guy. All people and situations are salvageable: that's the whole point of this column. Rather, I would say: Drop an ultimatum on his fuzzy, pot-clouded melon: "It's me or the bong, buster." Honestly, I don't like your chances in the short-term. If he disappears for five weeks when presented with a fistful of health-care brochures, I imagine he won't react well to your ultimatum. He'll wonder why you're being so "uptight," why you're "freaking out" on him, and why he can't have both you and his beloved bud, dude. But make it clear he can't. Because if you give in, let him have both, it will end in tears and heartbreak, I can pretty much assure you. He will always, on some level, be disengaged, checked out, in his own little world. (I mean, apart from everything else, you didn't mention what he does for a living. Anything? I can't imagine what he could do well in his permanently lifted state - and therefore how could you respect him?) He needs to face reality, head-on. If it's hard on you, just tell yourself you're helping him. If he buggers off permanently, that's his call. But perhaps, in a lucid moment, somewhere down the line, he'll realize he's made a mistake trading love for his beloved weed. Unfortunately, from what I've seen of these types of characters, that probably won't happen. They're too attached to their herbal anodyne. But maybe your boy will be the exception. If so, congrats. You'll have the great guy, the great sex, the fun bike rides, and the added bonus that he'll be grateful to you for helping him reform himself and get off the pipe. If not, well, perhaps by then you'll have moved on. And if you bump into him in the street, he probably won't even remember your name, let alone that you were ever upset with him. - --- MAP posted-by: Richard R Smith Jr