Pubdate: Tue, 07 Jun 2005 Source: Lacombe Globe, The (CN AB) Copyright: 2005 Lacombe Globe Contact: http://www.lacombeglobe.com/ Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/3296 Author: Russell Barth EXTRA! EXTRA! Search warrant out for divine pot growers RE: God And Mother Nature Wanted By Police For Growing Marijuana Canadian law enforcement officials have issued an all-points bulletin for two suspects wanted in the largest marijuana growing operation in world history. The primary suspect, known by the aliases `God,' `Allah,' `Jehovah,' `The Grand Architect Of The Universe,' and many others, is wanted for a number of charges, including possession of marijuana with intent to distribute, and cultivation of marijuana--and has even been charged with inventing marijuana with intent to distribute. "Conceiving of, designing and mass-producing a plant of this kind may be a Divine Act, but it is still against the Criminal Code Of Canada," said Const. Balderdash, a spokesman for TRABEDSOC (The Really Awesomely Big And Expensive Drug Squad Of Canada). "He also created the Earth, so that is like building a grow-op facility. Contraventions of the act of this magnitude cannot be ignored. We even have written testimony to corroborate these crimes." The written evidence comes from the author Moses, who is also wanted for questioning. In his book of Genesis, Chapter 1, Verse 11, it states: "And God said, `Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth.' And it was so." 12: "The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And God saw that it was good." Const. Balderdash commented, "Who does He think He is anyway? Decades of Him giving away free sunlight and rain to growers, many of whom are affiliated with organized crime or biker gangs, constitutes trillions of charges of participating in various organized drug crimes--in Canada alone. That is, in the law's opinion, the same as stealing hydro." He continued, "Marijuana grow ops, organized crime, marijuana grow ops, organized crime, marijuana grow ops, organized crime." Balderdash later said, "There is further evidence that The Divine One trafficked in marijuana or conspired to." The evidence in question comes from later in the same book: Genesis, Chapter 1, Verse 29: "And God said, `Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food.'" "That is an admission of a crime, right there," said Balderdash. "Marijuana grow ops, organized crime, marijuana grow ops, organized crime." God's alleged accomplice is most commonly known by the names `Mother Nature,' `Mother Earth,' or `Gaia.' She is charged with facilitating a crime by providing soil and nutrition for trillions upon trillions of marijuana plants, and also for providing a place for humans to live so they can risk their safety and their freedom to cultivate them. The two fugitives haven't been seen together in public for some time, leading to rumours that they've either separated or divorced. Authorities believe God to be All Powerful and, therefore, very heavily armed. Intelligence indicates He may even have weapons of mass creation. Experts recommend He be approached with absolute caution, but with an open heart. TRABEDSOC isn't sure whether the two have fled together or separately, but even on her own, Mother Nature can be very dangerous and is suspected to have a weather control device. She is also wanted for millions of counts of vandalism. Anyone seeing either of these suspects is to notify police immediately. Jesus and a number of Saints are also wanted for questioning. - -- Russell Barth Educators For Sensible Drug Policy, Ottawa - --- MAP posted-by: Josh