Pubdate: Sun, 04 Dec 2005
Source: Honolulu Star-Bulletin (HI)
Copyright: 2005 Honolulu Star-Bulletin
Contact:  http://www.starbulletin.com/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/196
Author: Helen Altonn
Bookmark: http://www.mapinc.org/rehab.htm (Treatment)

ADDICTS' FAMILIES GET ADVICE AND SUPPORT

Hina Mauka's Families In Crisis Program Helps People Face Tough Issues

Statewide Treatment Program Began With 1 Man

THEY WERE strangers, gathered together in fear and frustration 
because they didn't know what to do about family members addicted to drugs.

Meeting in Aina Haina, the group included seven parents, a husband, 
two sisters with their mothers and a family friend.

Alcohol was involved in three cases; crystal methamphetamine or "ice" 
dominated the others.

Five or six people regularly attend Hina Mauka's weekly Families in 
Crisis classes at the Church of the Holy Nativity but on this night 
only two had been there before, said facilitator Jill Pargoe.

The others had turned to the family program as a lifeline after 
reading about it in the Nov. 16 MidWeek. "It's hard to find where to 
go," said a distraught parent.

The Hina Mauka program provides education and support for families 
and friends of people addicted to drugs, Pargoe said, stressing that 
it isn't group therapy or a 12-step program.

Participants asked not to be identified because of shame and 
embarrassment as they shared emotional stories about addicted family members.

"As people cope better, they are less embarrassed," said Pargoe, a 
drug counselor at Hina Mauka's adult outpatient clinic in Waipahu. 
"They know it's not their fault."

The first family program began in 1996 after Hina Mauka opened a 
residential drug treatment facility in Kaneohe, said M.P. "Andy" 
Anderson, chief operating officer.

"We were getting lots of calls from people wanting treatment but they 
were always family members calling."

Other family programs were established at Hina Mauka clinics in 
Waipahu, on Maui and Kauai.

Two years ago, during a lot of publicity about the ice crisis, the 
Rotary Club of Honolulu wanted to help families of addicts and 
learned of Hina Mauka's Kaneohe program, Anderson said.

The club joined with the Harold K.L. Castle Foundation to fund a 
pilot program that began in February in Aina Haina. The East Honolulu 
Rotary Club and the foundation are funding a similar program at 
Palolo Valley Homes and Rotary's goal is to expand the program islandwide.

Anderson said the 90-minute family sessions are to let people know 
what they can do as a family "to get themselves healthy and not be 
intimidated by the person with addiction and not to react but simply 
learn how to take care of themselves and do what they need to do.

"Sometimes, when a family does that, the addict is baffled by it and 
sometimes ends up seeking treatment."

Many families don't know what addiction is, Anderson added. "They 
think it's stress."

Parents said they're torn: They don't want to enable their children's 
drug habit, yet they want them to be safe so they give them money and 
let them take showers or stay in their home.

"I know the different things I should be doing," said the mother of 
an ice-addicted son. "But it never ends. You just break down and say, 
'Here's $20.'"

Pargoe distributed and discussed information about addiction as a 
"disease process." It's not a curable disease but it's manageable, 
she said, comparing it to diabetes. "A person addicted has to choose 
to manage it."

A doctor said his wife became an alcoholic a year ago although she 
"was not even a social drinker for five years.

"She is living in a parallel universe. She thinks everyone else has a 
problem, especially me ... I'm here to survive, to help my daughter 
and myself."

In a voice breaking with emotion, a mother described how her daughter 
lost her job and apartment and is now homeless. She hadn't seen or 
heard from her in two weeks.

Her daughter had been living with the family after going to a 
rehabilitation program but it didn't work, the mother said. "I think 
we were enabling ... but we were glad she was alive.

"It's terrible having her out there. It's also terrible having her with us."

The sister of a woman addicted to ice and now in jail said her sister 
was stealing from the family and "put them through a lot."

She said her mother, sitting beside her, couldn't kick her sister out 
so her father did. "Mom still feels bad but she enabled my sister. 
Mom has Parkinson's disease. She's willing to sacrifice for her 
daughter -- her health even."

Now, they're debating whether to let her sister back in the house 
when she's out of jail, the woman said. "That's why we're here, for 
understanding. We almost have to do a tough love approach."

She mentioned the case of a Waipahu man accused of attacking his 
parents with a hatchet on Nov. 19, killing the father, after asking 
his father for money to buy drugs.

A 15-year Al-Anon member said her late husband was an alcoholic and 
so is her son, who is in a Hina Mauka outpatient program.

"For the first time, he said he can't do it himself," she said. "I'm 
proud of him ... I want to go in there and fix it and I can't fix it."

Pargoe said it's normal for family members to "nag, lecture and 
preach" but this "ends up being a waste of time and very, very frustrating.

"Everyone feels hurt because it gets personal. They're (addicts) 
lying and stealing. Their goal is to use (drugs) and your goal is the 
opposite. You can't reason with them. As we keep trying to make them 
quit and they keep using, a struggle is going on and you're not in control."

Family members "get addicted to helping," Pargoe said. "They start 
adjusting to the behavior of the addict over time and put up with 
more stuff. It's part of the process, cleaning up their wreckage, 
walking on eggshells."

This takes a toll on the family with loss of sleep, stress and 
physical ailments, she said.

"Big time," commented a father.

"Figure out what you do have control over," advised Pargoe. "You have 
control over your environment and how you react to them. You're so 
immersed trying to care for them, you don't take care of yourself.

"The hard part is we love them; we keep trying to help them and 
sometimes it goes the other way ... If we keep rescuing them, they 
may never learn to rescue themselves."

But kicking a drug abuser out of the home isn't always the answer, 
Pargoe said. "You've got to think how you feel about this and if it's 
right in here," she said, gesturing to her heart.

A woman who attended other family meetings said she's trying to get 
information and "enough guts to be able to stand up to my (alcoholic) son."

She said she let him live in her home because otherwise, "he'd sponge 
on someone else." But she moved to another place so her granddaughter 
could visit her, she said.

The father of a 25-year-old son who has been on and off ice and in 
jail said he drove almost two hours from Kunia to attend the meeting 
"to try to get resources, help and support."

"At first, it was a big shame type thing," he said of his son's 
addiction. Practicing "tough love," he told his son he wouldn't bail 
him out of jail, so his son called his grandparents. "We're trying to 
educate them," the father said.

He said he enjoyed visiting his son when he was in jail because he 
was "clear-headed and coherent" but once he was out things changed.

A court ordered his son into a good rehabilitation program but he 
seems to be relapsing, the father said, noting that he had pawned a 
$1,000 classical instrument.

"A lot of addicts relapse," Pargoe said. "It's part of the recovery 
process ... It's not something they can learn right away. Pain is 
part of the addiction process. It is necessary for them to break 
through denial.

"Sadly, recovery rate is low," she said. "I see clients who keep 
rotating. Not everyone stays sober, only a small percentage. They 
come back. I see the same faces."

Classes at 6 sites on Oahu, Kauai and Maui Family members and friends 
of someone addicted to alcohol or other drugs can learn ways to deal 
with the addiction in Hina Mauka's Families in Crisis Program.

Classes are open to anyone regardless whether the addicted person is 
enrolled in a Hina Mauka program. They are offered as follows:

Kaneohe: 6 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. Mondays; 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m., Thursdays, 
45-845 Pookela St. Call 236-2600.

Waipahu: 7:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. Thursdays, 94-216 Farrington Highway, 
B2-306. Call 671-6900, ext. 26.

Aina Haina: 6 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. Tuesdays, Glantz Hall, Church of the 
Holy Nativity, 5286 Kalanianaole Highway. Call 447-5227.

Palolo Valley Homes: 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. Wednesdays, 2170 Ahe St. 
Call 236-2600.

Kauai: 6 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. Tuesdays, 2970 Haleko Road, #103, Lihue. 
Call 245-8883.

Maui: 6 p.m. to 7:30 p.m., Wednesdays, 1276 Lower Main St., Ste. A1, 
Wailuku. Call 242-9733.
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MAP posted-by: Beth Wehrman