Pubdate: Thu, 12 Jun 2003 Source: Wheat City Journal (CN MB) Page: 7 Copyright: 2003 Wheat City Journal. Contact: http://www.wheatcityjournal.ca/ Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/2922 Author: Ron Petrie TAKE HEED: YOU MAY TOKE, BUT DON'T DARE SMOKE Not that I make a habit of offering free advice, but if governments in Canada had any foresight, our politicians and bureaucrats might have saved taxpayers a huge mountain of money through a few of the simplest administrative steps imaginable: First stack the tobacco laws and regulations on one side of legal-size table, and the marijuana statutes and restrictions on the other side - - federal, provincial, municipal, all of them. Got it? Good. Next, with a medium-nib ball-point pen - black or blue ink only - scratch out every reference to "marijuana" in the dope laws and above it write "tobacco." Similarly, in the existing smoking laws, change every "tobacco"to a "marijuana." Then have the Solicitor General initial each correction to make the amendments all nice and legal-like. Ta-da! Recreational drug use in Canada would be exactly where government seems intent upon taking it: tobacco would be really, totally illegal - seriously, dude - and marijuana, in turn, would be just kind of, like, sort of, you know (nudge, wink) . . . illegal? Surely the day is inevitable regardless, the future when smoking a cigarette, even in one's private residence, is a criminal offense, punishable with prison time, whereas sparking up a joint at work is merely subject to occupational health-and-safety committee approval, and typically restricted to 15-minute breaks at exits toward the rear of the building. Sure. By then municipalities will require every restaurant to maintain separate "non-toking" tables for those customers who do not wish to sit in the smoke-filled "toking" section, which, if the management has any entrepreneurial savvy, features nightly super-sized menu specials. Conversely, the punk who lights an after-dinner cigar at any table in the restaurant, toking or non-toking, is reported to the RCMP by the hostess for immediate arrest and incarceration to await preliminary hearing. Stupid people sue pot dealers for compensation, claiming their inability to think clearly or to remember events a half-hour later was caused by exposure to second-hand dope. Forced by government legislation to switch from one bad weed to another, the committed smoking public obliges. A single bingo game lasts, like, forever. Pictures of brain cell damage, of bean-bag furniture and of Tommy Chong are required as federal health advisories on all bags of pot for individual retail sale. Huffers of the hemp in Saskatchewan, however, are protected from the graphic illustrations of marijuana's worst horrors by a unique provincial law that requires the dealer keep his naughty inventory and his ugly federal warnings hidden behind a curtain. Only when a customer specifically requests pot is the cannibis vendor allowed to pull back the drape of his sidewalk push-cart in front of the high school. And on and on. Government launches expensive campaigns to help Canadians stop smoking dope, complete with TV commercials of an intellectual tone similar to the recommended level for teaching shapes to three-year-olds: "This is Bob. He is trying to stop smoking pot cold turkey, but not without a plan. Every time the urge hits Bob to get wrecked, totally messed up, he takes a drink of water. Those cravings don't last long." Like the cigarette smoker who was doing OK, five hours without a puff, until the dang federal TV ad had to go mention tobacco cravings, the doper decides that if reality is truly as stupid as illustrated by government commercials, clean and sober maybe isn't worth it. Which is good, because by now the government needs pot smokers. Since tobacco was banned outright, black-market cigarettes have become as cheap and as tax-free and as readily available to kids and adults alike as dope was before the government stepped in to decriminalize and regulate pot consumption. All that money now collected in marijuana duties and excise taxes will pay for next big flip-flop, the decriminalization of cigarettes and the prohibition on grass. Maybe use pencil, not ink, on those laws. - --- MAP posted-by: Richard Lake