Pubdate: Sat, 31 May 2003 Source: Edmonton Journal (CN AB) Copyright: 2003 The Edmonton Journal Contact: http://www.canada.com/edmonton/edmontonjournal/ Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/134 Author: Todd Babiak, The Edmonton Journal WE CAN'T CALL IT A 'FOURTEENER' Some humbly suggested names for the new decriminalized bag of weed The smell of marijuana conjures house-party nostalgia for me, counter-culture memories of Tooker Gomberg passed out on some couch with a cloud of blue-grey smoke above him. The counter-culture bit is false. Smoking weed has become a more common ritual in Canada than praying or listening to classical music. I try not to partake because the drug makes me sleepy and paranoid about the potentials of governmental and intergalactic mind-reading, but I would sustain a sore foot or a nasty bruise on my left forearm to defend your right to smoke it in the privacy of your smelly home. In the House of Commons on Tuesday, Justice Minister Martin Cauchon introduced legislation that will decriminalize possession of marijuana. Carrying less than 15 grams of pot will only get you a fine. Between 15 and 30 grams will get you a fine or a criminal record, depending on the mood and personality of your police officer. Since it is folly to depend on the compassion and joie de vivre of police officers, the safely-under-15-gram bag of pot will become the new standard purchase, the "two-four" of weed. Of course, the safely-under-15-gram bag of pot will need a name. Since all of us bow down before the altar of imagination and creativity in these frightening and institutionally un-creative times, we're all looking for something a little more resonant than "the fourteener" or the "half-ouncer". We humbly suggest a few alternatives. THE TOMMY EXAMPLE: "Hey, man with no teeth in front of the record store. How much for a Tommy?" Legendary Canadian jazz pianist Tommy Banks was part of the Senate subcommittee that advised legalization, not decriminalization, last year. If the Liberals legalized marijuana, the government could manage the production and distribution of the drug, collect taxes on its purchase and put gangsters out of business. As Senator Banks and every other reasonable person on the planet knows, folks are going to smoke it whether it's legal, illegal or armed with explosives. Also, see Tommy Chong and the spooky rock opera, Tommy. THE WEEKENDER EXAMPLE: "I'll rent some video games and Chad'll get 18 bags of cheese puffs. You go see the man with no teeth in front of the record store and pick up, I don't know, what the heck, a weekender." Fourteen grams of pot will keep three grown men without girlfriends or meaningful employment going for an entire weekend. BRAIN DAMAGE EXAMPLE: "Life's been good to me, all things considered. But I'm tired of my quick wit, sense of responsibility, motor skills, perception of linear time and short-term memory. I'm going to quit my job and buy a bag of brain damage." In terms of steak, 14 grams isn't very much. For one person, sitting in his living room and smoking weed of an evening, 14 grams is life-altering. SIT 'N' STARE EXAMPLE: "Dude, what are you doing tonight? Let's go see the man with no teeth in front of the record store, buy a bag of sit 'n' stare and, you know, see what happens." It is important to remember that operating a motor vehicle is not a good idea after smoking a bag of sit 'n' stare with your homies. Do what comes naturally. If anything, listen to Sigur Ros and dig the deep lyrics. "Your staw onas ajun." WHAT? EXAMPLE: YOU: This stuff is pretty strong. HOMIE: What? You: Yeah, exactly. HOMIE: What? YOU: Totally. One of the best features of marijuana is its tendency to make banal conversations seem pregnant with meaning. We are all searching for meaning, so even if it is artificial and ridiculous, we should probably take it where we can get it. If you have your own suggestions for the just-under-15-gram bag of weed, please send a note. Oh, and happy smoking (not an endorsement). --- MAP posted-by: Richard Lake