Pubdate: Sun, 28 Dec 2003
Source: Halifax Herald (CN NS)
Copyright: 2003 The Halifax Herald Limited
Contact:  http://www.herald.ns.ca/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/180
Author: Arthur Black

YOU'RE, UM, BUSTED, MAN

Did I ever tell you about the time I impersonated a cop? Relax, sergeant - 
it was several years ago, in another provincial jurisdiction.

I lived in the sticks at the time, the hour hand had long passed midnight 
and some Party-Hearties in a house down the road were making noise. I took 
it for an hour and a half and then I called the cops. A bored dispatcher 
informed me that, as it was the weekend and due to cutbacks, no police were 
actually on duty, but an officer could be summoned from a nearby 
jurisdiction 'in an extreme emergency'.

I slammed down the phone, said some bad words, then put on my police hat 
and loaded my police dog into my car. A word about my police hat. And my 
police dog: The hat was a nylon mesh cap I picked up after a charity soft 
ball game between a rural police detachment and the radio station I worked 
for. The crest on the front of my new cap read Ontario Provincial Police: 
South Porcupine.

My 'police' dog Rufus was, in truth, a mangy border collie-indeterminate 
mix, but I hoped that in the dark and from a distance he might pass for an 
Alsatian on duty. I hammered on the front door, which was ajar, walked in, 
and in my best Lorne Greene voice of doom, boomed, "We've had several 
complaints about the noise you people are making. If you can't tone it 
down, I'm gonna have to lay charges."

What I did was totally illegal, not to mention surpassingly stupid, but it 
worked like a charm. Know why? Because it was a pot party, not a booze party.

The place reeked of grass, and as I delivered my speech people all over the 
room were surreptitiously divesting themselves of baggies, stubbing out 
roaches and desperately trying not to exhale in my face. What's more, they 
were all stoned. Instead of seeing me as the ridiculous impostor I clearly 
was, they figured the dope they were smoking was unusually excellent.

Know what would have happened to me if that had been a booze party instead 
of a pot party? There's a good chance I'd have been stomped into a carpet 
stain. And I'm not exaggerating.

That very thing happened to a lawyer in Squamish, B.C. two summers ago. He 
went to a booze party at a neighbour's house to ask them to pipe down. Two 
of the knuckle-dragging juiceheads in attendance kicked him to death on the 
spot.

All of which is a long-winded way of getting to my point, which is: why the 
hypocrisy about marijuana?

The federal New Democrats are doing backflips to distance themselves from 
their leader Jack Layton's rather brave endorsement of the substance. 
Politicos of other stripes are puffing themselves up to solemnly intone how 
they've never touched the stuff.

Well, I did - and what's more I don't personally know a single adult - not 
one - who hasn't tried pot at least once. It's no big deal, folks.

Let's finally admit it.

Am I advocating that everybody smoke pot? No. I don't smoke it any more 
because it's too expensive, not worth the hassle and it makes me stupid. 
All I'm saying is: let's stop being two-faced about it.

Booze causes a hundred times the grief, bloodshed and property damage that 
pot does, but we turn a blind eye because through a fluke of justice and 
thanks to the twisted interpretations of seedy old perverts like J. Edgar 
Hoover and Alberta's own Emily Murphy, alcohol is legal and marijuana isn't.

The Canadian legal system is woozily staggering towards righting this 
absurdity, but it's not there yet, so think twice or even three times 
before you flout the law, even if the law is, to paraphrase Dickens, a 
demonstrable ass when it comes to weed. And if you must smoke, keep it 
down. Because I don't want to have to put on my police hat and come over 
and bust you.
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MAP posted-by: Keith Brilhart