Pubdate: Wed, 24 Sep 2003
Source: Oak Bay News (CN BC)
Section: Opinion
Copyright: 2003 Oak Bay News
Contact:  http://www.oakbaynews.com/
Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/1346

FED'S MEDICAL POT PLAN GOES UP IN SMOKE

"Hello. Bonjour. Welcome to Health Canada's customer service and complaint 
line. This is Dave speaking. How can I help you?"

"Uh... Yeah, man. This is Jimmy. I've got a problem with my medication. I 
suffer from... um... glaucoma. Yeah, that's it."

"Well, let's see what we can do to help. What exactly is the problem?"

"It's about this new dope you guys sent me, Dave. It tastes terrible and it 
ain't even getting me high, dude."

"The planned parameters of our medicinal marijuana implementation program 
aren't intended to facilitate the enhancement of euphorical side-effects, 
sir, but to ameliorate some of the more unpleasant symptoms of 
heredity-based or acquired illnesses and promote satisfactory wellness 
outcomes for all Canadians."

"Huh?"

"It's not supposed to get you wired. It's supposed to make your eyes feel 
better."

"Well, all I know is that when Steve next door was helping me get my... 
um... medication, I was feelin' no pain at all. But this stuff sucks big 
time. Can't you hook me up with something better?"

"Health Canada's official supplier has produced this medicinal product 
using the most stringent and tightly monitored quality control methods 
available."

"But it tastes like bird poop. I want my money back, Dave."

"Sorry, Dave's not here."

There are two types of projects in this world: those that benefit from the 
guidance, experience and resources that big government can provide and 
those that are best left alone so that free market forces in the private 
sector can deliver optimum results to end users.

The cultivation of marijuana (dope, tea, Mary Jane, pot, reefer, weed - 
whatever term your generation grew up with) apparently falls into the 
latter category.

When Health Canada began distributing its very own, much-ballyhooed version 
of "homegrown" this month, the calls of outrage from disappointed medical 
marijuana users could be heard from coast to coast. The verdict of 
"disgusting" was heard from one of the 10 patients now registered to buy 
dope from the government. The phrase "unsuitable for human consumption" was 
used by another.

Some of the program's first guinea pigs even said that smoking the stuff 
made them feel nauseous - a problem that the medicinal dope was supposed to 
prevent in the first place.

Each patient's 30 grams of government-sanctioned marijuana comes packaged 
in a zippy, gold foil pouch. It carries a boring, generic-looking label 
bearing the words "DRIED MARIHUANA", plus a warning that reads "Keep out of 
reach of children" and a cheerful little red maple leaf. The overall 
appearance of the new-style "baggie" is oddly reminiscent of those 
tasteless packages of dehydrated food that rookie campers buy by the 
cartload every summer at Mountain Equipment Co-op.

The dope that Prairie Plant Systems has been growing (under tight security 
in a disused Manitoba mine tunnel and at a cost of some $5.75 million to 
date) reportedly is so lacking in potency that smokers who are accustomed 
to the venerable "B.C. Bud" brand have been forced to smoke buckets of the 
woody, sawdust-like stuff to achieve even the slightest buzz - or to get 
any relief for their original discomfort.

A patients' rights advocacy group called Canadians for Safe Access has now 
also entered the fray, calling for better and safer supplies of ye ol' weed.

That organization has also claimed that the marijuana supplied by the feds 
contains traces of arsenic and lead - unwelcome contaminants in anyone's book.

It's not exactly the sort of reception that Health Canada had been hoping 
its new "wonder drug" would receive.

Now, I don't smoke pot (or use any illicit drug, for that matter), but when 
this little venture was announced a year or two ago, even I immediately 
recognized that it was doomed to failure.

If agriculturally-inclined B.C. teenagers - some of whom are otherwise 
averse to doing much in the way of hard work - can produce cannabis in 
their backyards or basements that is the envy of the rest of the 
pot-growing world, one has to wonder why federal government officials 
carrying matching briefcases thought they could do any better.

Who can say what the long-term solution to this problem will be? Is 
medicinal marijuana really needed? If it is, shouldn't patients be entitled 
to a safe, reliable and effective source of "medicine"?

However, private marijuana growers are clearly breaking anti-drug laws as 
they are now written, so it's a pretty good bet that the Canadian 
government will remain in the drug-dealing business for the foreseeable 
future - or at least until the clouds of smoke clear from the offices of 
the decision-makers at Health Canada.

Man. Where's Dave when you really need him?
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MAP posted-by: Jay Bergstrom