Pubdate: Thu, 25 Jul 2002
Source: Alibi (NM)
Copyright: 2002 Weekly Alibi
Author: John Bauer


Dear Alibi,

Thank you for printing the excellent letter from Mr. Jerry Bock, "Legalize 
Law Enforcement, Not Drugs" [July 11-17]. Mr. Bock is to be commended for 
his courageous position.

Given the wisdom indicated in his letter, I am confident that Mr. Bock is 
just the man to assist me in my current effort to ban an extremely 
dangerous and destructive, and yet inexplicably still unregulated 
substance: bread.

We must move to ban all bread and make it illegal.

Look at the facts about this insidious substance: 1) More than 98 percent 
of convicted felons are bread users.

More than 90 percent of all violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of 
eating bread. 2) Bread has been proven to be addictive.

Subjects deprived of bread and given only water begged for bread after as 
little as two days. 3) Virtually all drug users, alcoholics and smokers 
consumed bread regularly before moving on to other drugs, alcohol and 
cigarettes, proving that bread use leads to the use of other dangerous and 
addictive drugs. 4) Fully half of all children who grow up in 
bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 5) In 
the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the 
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were 
unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as 
typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 6) Bread is 
made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as 
one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.

The average American eats more bread than that in one month.

Children have been known to choke on less than one slice of bread. 7) If 
bread were made illegal, the government, not the bakers, would reap the 
economic benefits of illicit bread sales.

We could build thousands more prisons, for which the right-thinking, 
non-bread users would pay. Escalating the War on Drugs to include bread 
will allow us to spend billions of dollars more on this vital mission and 
expand and create even more armed federal regulatory agencies to assail the 
Bill of Rights without the bother of going through Congress. 8) Most 
worrisome of all is the fact most American bread eaters are utterly unable 
to distinguish between significant scientific data and meaningless 
statistical babbling.

For the record, I only steal from the best. And always remember: Think 
idiotically, act globally!

John Bauer

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