Pubdate: Thu, 24 Jan 2002 Source: Atlanta Journal-Constitution (GA) Copyright: 2002 Cox Interactive Media. Contact: http://www.accessatlanta.com/ajc/ Details: http://www.mapinc.org/media/28 Author: Jennifer Brett LESS LECTURING, MORE LISTENING Messages On Staying In Close Contact With Kids Strike Chord At Parents' Forum For the most part, it wasn't anything they hadn't heard before. The group of experts on stage gave familiar advice to the parents in the audience. There was nothing really shocking about the "What's Going On?" parents' forum held last week in Roswell. But the main theme of the evening --- talk with your kids --- was a welcome refrain. "You can never hear it enough," parent Jamie Romano said after the event, which featured a police officer, an FBI chief, a psychologist and other experts. The notion of open parent-child communication resonates with many parents. "We talk to our children often, even if they don't feel like talking, and we try to be available, no matter the hour, when they feel talkative," said Vanessa Turner, treasurer of the Cherokee County PTA Council. "It is a little more difficult with our son away at college, but we have a set phone day with him on Sunday afternoon. Either he calls, or we call him. After one semester, there have been very few Sundays that we have had to pick up the phone and dial. He has been checking in with us." David Rifkin, who teaches conflict resolution at Haynes Bridge Middle School in Alpharetta, moderated the forum at Centennial High School in Roswell. "We as parents try to do the best we can," he said. "Lecture less. Listen more. They just might have something important to tell you." With that, Rifkin turned the floor over to fellow teacher Greg Cloutier; Alpharetta police Public Information Officer Chris Lagerbloom; Jay Kaiman, former Southeast regional director for the Anti-Defamation League; psychologist Laura Mette-Lang; and Dell Spry, FBI chief of counterintelligence for Georgia. Cloutier and Rifkin both talked about bullying. "It's not always blatant pushing and shoving," Rifkin said. "It can be subtle comments, pushing books out of someone's hands." Lagerbloom, who stressed that he was speaking for himself and not necessarily as a representative of the police department, said north Fulton is not immune to drugs and alcohol in and around schools. "Guess who the drug dealer's best friend is? A kid with money," he said. "They're going to go to an area where the kid doesn't have to steal a car stereo and pawn it [for drug money]. They're going to go to an area where the kid has it because it's their allowance." Kids can be crafty, but cops are on their tails, Lagerbloom said. Officers patrol in unmarked cars they switch frequently to keep an eye on school parking lots, and know the spots where teens like to hang out and, occasionally, get into trouble. Sometimes, though, the problem is parents who refuse to believe their kids could run afoul of the law, Lagerbloom said. Gangs are also present in Alpharetta, he said. "Do we have the 'West Side Story' in Alpharetta? No, we don't," Lagerbloom said. "Two or three people together, with the purpose of committing a criminal act, is considered a gang." If a youth starts wearing clothes of all one color, loses interest in school, suddenly has lots of money and a new set of friends, or a new nickname, or is sporting symbols on notebooks or bookbags, it could indicate gang activity, Lagerbloom said. He urged parents to contact the police department if they'd like to see some examples of gang insignia, or to smell marijuana. The cops will burn incense that smells like marijuana, not the real stuff. Mette-Lang has a 17-year-old daughter at Centennial. "The ultimate act of self-inflicted torture is having offspring," she joked. "Parenting is a high-risk behavior." Turning serious, she spoke about the young people she deals with who are struggling with anxiety or depression. Mette-Lang advises parents, "Take your kid to lunch, just the two of you. Talk when you get there. Not about grades. Not about school. Nothing kills communication like critical pronouncements. Ask what they think about issues, or their feelings. You just might be surprised. "Say 'yes' as often as is possible. It breeds positive possibilities." Spry, the FBI chief, said he recently spoke at Haynes Bridge Middle School and was taken aback by the fear reflected in children's questions. "You need to talk to them," he said. "Right now our children are longing for an example." It is also vital that children learn tolerance, he said. "Love your children, love them with all your heart and be the person you want your children to be," he said. After the panelists finished, parent Jill Glass said she appreciated the honest discussion. "The issues that concern our community are in every community," she said. "Not just in our community, but in any community, it's easy to deny --- this doesn't happen with my child, this doesn't happen in my family." Parent Jamie Romano said she benefited from the pointers on talking to kids. "Even good parents get so busy," she said. - --- MAP posted-by: Larry Stevens