Pubdate: Sun, 16 Jul 2000
Source: Ann Arbor News (MI)
Copyright: The Ann Arbor News 2000
Contact:  P. O. Box 1147, Ann Arbor, MI 48106
Feedback: http://aa.mlive.com/about/letter/
Website: http://aa.mlive.com/
Forum: http://aa.mlive.com/forums/
Author: Jack Gillard
Note: This column is listed under the Humor section.

IS THAT US: JAYBIRDS AND POTHEADS?

The proposal already has raised the hackles of business leaders and union 
members forming to oppose the measure, with one lobbyist singling out Ann 
Arbor as an example of municipal government gone astray.

Richard Studley, lobbyist with the Michigan Chamber of Commerce called the 
amendment 'radical' ... Studley said Ann Arbor is run by 'city officials 
who sit on their thumbs while people run naked through the streets and 
smoke dope.'

The Ann Arbor News from a story about petitions being submitted to force a 
referendum that would require a two-thirds vote of the Legislature for any 
measure that takes exist-ing authority away from local governments.

Diary entries of a typical Ann Arbor city official as imagined by a certain 
Lansing lobbyist:

6-6:30 a.m. Out of bed. Jogged naked through neighborhood. Smoked first 
joint of the day.

6:30-7:30 a.m. Shaved and showered with soap handmade in Peruvian village. 
Dried off with hemp towel. Ate breakfast of tofu, wheat germ, whole wheat 
toast with jam made of organic strawberries hand-picked by maidens on 
Mexican collective farm. Waited for car pool, got in, everyone naked as 
usual, but reefer smoke so thick, it was hard to tell. Catch a second buzz 
from second-hand smoke. Wanted to compliment Moonbeamia on new tattoo on 
her fanny, but couldn't remember if it was a butterfly or skull with knife 
stuck in it. Maybe later.

7:30-8 a.m. Arrived at City Hall. Made pot of coffee using Colombian beans 
hand-picked by monks at Juan Valdez Power to the Farmers! Collective so 
secretary doesn't have to perform degrading secretarial task. Quickly 
scanned report on municipal marijuana patches in city parks. Production up 
39 percent. Strength now in Maui Wowee zone. Very good!

8-9 a.m. Busied myself with paperwork for next month's charity 10K Naked 
Run for Destitute Nudist Colonies. Asked secretary for "loan" of joint. 
"I'll give it back when I'm done," I said. Ha ha. It's a running gag 
between us.

9-10 a.m. Met with mayor and city council about ordinance requiring 
clothing optional sections in bars and restaurants. Consensus in favor but 
some details to be worked out. Do fanny packs constitute clothing? Still, 
people need some place to keep their credit cards, lighters and doobies. 
Subcommittee formed to work it out.

10-11 a.m. Dictated memos for new signs at city limits welcoming visitors 
to city. Under wording of "Welcome to the People's Republic of Ann Arbor!" 
will be: "Clothing optional. Marijuana must be carried at all times. 
Visiting state legislators, Lansing lobbyists, non-pot smokers and 
clothes-wearing prudes must register for travel permits at the People's 
Hall of Justice and Surveillance. Failure to read this sign may result in 
prison term or $1,000 fine. Don't think we're not on to you."

11 a.m.-noon Studied proposed ordinance that happy hours in bars and 
taverns must also feature joints at half-off prices or two for one, 
depending on drink offers.

noon-1 p.m. Jogged nude through downtown with the fair Moonbeamia. Tattoo 
is a butterfly. Offered compliment. "Thanks," she said, "I wanted a skull 
with a knife stuck in it, but the tattoo artist said his skulls always come 
out looking like smiley faces." Mentally noted not to get smiley face 
tattoo. Spied man in business suit with briefcase aghast at us running 
nude. Will nark on him to the Nudity and Marijuana Enforcement Police. One 
awkward moment: Had coughing fit after running up South Main Street hill 
while trying to smoke joint at same time. Moonbeamia, puffing furiously, 
says I'm out of shape.

1-2 p.m. Discussed ways with other city officials to make Hash Bash a 
four-day event like Art Fairs. Lots of good ideas: Allow occupancy of hotel 
and motel rooms up to 30 persons, require restaurants to reduce prices 
especially for "munchies," require pot vendors to get the standard city 
permits and offer half-price sales to any buyers who are naked, distribute 
reduced-cost bongs at key intersections.

2-3 p.m. Don't remember. Must have been that bomber joint I had at lunchtime.

3-4 p.m. Practiced thumb-sitting. This is harder than most people realize. 
Especially when you're nude.

4-5 p.m. Puttered about looking busy between trips to vending machines for 
candy bars, potato chips, sandwiches, etc. Don't know why I'm always so 
hungry this time of day.

5-6 p.m. Carpool home. Failed to get up nerve to ask Moonbeamia for date. 
She looked rather glassy-eyed anyway. Probably wouldn't remember.

6-10 p.m. Ate huge supper of enchiladas, sauerkraut, Thai noodles, fish and 
chips, baloney sandwiches and spaghetti. Smoked joint. Walked dog, both of 
us naked. Or rather dog walked me. Neighbor mowing lawn in nude. Hmm. 
Despite nudity ordinance, wondered if that was wise. Will take it up with 
Nudity Committee. Watched TV. "Friends." Or maybe "Survivor." Must check 
calendar tomorrow to see what I watched.

10 p.m. Last joint of day. Toke toke. Zzzz zzzz.

Jack Gillard is a copy editor at The Ann Arbor News who thinks Lansing 
lobbyists should be forced to work in the nude, which would drastically 
reduce their numbers.
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