Pubdate: Thu, 22 Jun 2000 Source: Inquirer (PA) Copyright: 2000 Philadelphia Newspapers Inc. Contact: 400 N. Broad Street, Philadelphia, PA 19101 Website: http://www.phillynews.com/inq/ Forum: http://interactive.phillynews.com/talk-show/ Author: Linda Brayshaw A FAMILY'S STRUGGLE AGAINST ADDICTION My son Michael was one of the victims discussed in the article "Heroin victims' parents try to save others" (Inquirer, May 15). I was willing to tell Michael's story because I wanted to prevent other families from experiencing the tragedy of losing a child to drugs. Although the article told about the things we are doing now to help others, it did not do justice to the effort we put into trying to save our own children. My son did not just start drinking at age 12 and then die of a heroin overdose at age 20. There were many years of his disease progressing and our constant attempts to help him. According to a personal drug history that Michael wrote while he was in rehab, he and his friends began drinking on weekends. Michael wrote that he was the only one who wanted to drink during the week. Clearly, he had the disease of addiction. By age 14, he was experimenting with marijuana and LSD. By age 15, he was using marijuana on a regular basis. When he was 16, Michael was put on probation because of an arrest for possession and his continued use of marijuana. Michael continued to need to be "high," but soon realized he did not want to pay the consequences of "dirty UTs" (urine tests that are positive for drugs). A friend told him they were not testing for heroin and that he would not get addicted if he snorted the heroin. This information was only half true. Michael did get off probation, but at the age of 17 he was a heroin addict. We participated in many counseling and family programs with Michael at the numerous rehabs he attended. We were taught the three C's - we did not cause, and could not cure or control his disease. I understood and believed the first two but was convinced I could control the disease by controlling Michael. I eventually realized nothing was going to stop Michael from getting his drugs. He was the only one who could control his disease, but it had too strong of a hold on him. He expressed this in poetry: I go without my suicide lover, My controller of every move I make For just one day, I start to burn from within My whole body begins to ache Each bone feels like it will break This terrible agony I cannot take It pulls me back to its strong embrace Countless attempts to free myself from its grasp. But in due time it takes me back On that one-way track All is lost, never again will my mind be totally clear Even when it's gone, I live in fear Of its return and the unearthly burn. Unfortunately, Michael did not live long enough to develop the strength he needed to control his disease. I will never see my son again. The little boy I raised will never grow into the man I hoped he would be. I cannot help my son anymore, but if sharing his story with others helps just one person, then Michael's life will have some meaning and not have been in vain. Linda Brayshaw Lower Makefield - --- MAP posted-by: greg